Realize
by MusicalCatharsis
Summary: "If in another life I could look back and see you standing there—then I wouldn't dare change a single decision I ever made. I love you."


"ENOUGH!"

There comes a time when you just have to stop and drop the act. Where you just have to pivot on your foot with your hair wildly whipping around your heart shaped face, draw in a deep breath, open your mouth and scream. When this time comes all of those around you in the crowded hallway will stop and stare without regard. Some will question your sanity, some will say that it is about time, others will wonder silently what took you so long to snap. This is where I find myself, standing in the middle of the hallways of Rosewood Day on a cloudy day in November. Spencer, Hanna, Emily and myself had just gotten back from a weekend in New York City and for what seemed like the hundredth time that day Mona pointed at Hanna and said something snarky about the liposuction rumor.

"Get over it." I seethed after screaming in the noisy hall. It was dead silent now. I walked closer to her, her face contorting into a grimace and finally confusion at my outburst. "We know you started the rumor Mona, and believe me when I say, it was well played, but if you expect any reaction other than this one…you are in for a disappointment." And with that I turned around nodded to those in the hallway and continued on my trek to the Honors English classroom.

At night, when there are no eyes to judge me, no one to notice that my eyes have glossed over and my mind has travelled back to the nights I used to spend curled up in his arms, I remember. I remember everything. From our first kiss to our last, from our first time to the time when my parents found us and ripped us apart. I remember everything. At night is when it hurts the most, when my heart breaks all over again, when I remember the promises he used to make, the promises I thought he would keep. The promises that made me smile; the promises that made me feel alive.

Wordlessly, I walk up the stairs towards the bathrooms, sitting on the shower floor has become a favorite past time these days. The scalding water hitting my skin, tempting me to forget him, his touch, his smell, his sound, his overall sin. It works until the morning when I have to get dressed and face reality, when I have to see him again. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it hurts all the time. Every single second of every single day.

Three weeks have passed since he told me goodbye, since he lied to my face or stopped lying maybe. I'm not sure which one is actually the truth. I have no clue what the truth is anymore; or where I stand in this world. I let my guard down, I let him become everything. I let myself be over powered by the total being that was Ezra Fitz. I guess it was for a good cause, it saved my relationship with my family, and it saved his job. I guess the worst part about the entire thing was walking around and knowing what I could have, what I should have, what I could not have because of the stupid situation. I sit and think of the possibilities we could have if I was born a little sooner, or if I went to another school. Or even if he were still in college, and not my English teacher. But, unfortunately, this is the situation we were dealt and we're dealing with it. Some, better than others.

I lean on the girls constantly, they keep me sane, they keep me busy. A sends me a text message of Ezra and myself once a week, just when I being to think that the wounds would close. Just when I suspect that I have the slightest chance of getting over him. And then my phone dings and I know what it is, but I don't delete the message, I open in because when I stare at the picture I can sit and imagine the way things used to be. The happy smiles that graced both of our faces.

There comes a time when enough is enough. And when you realize that the goodbye, actually means goodbye.

* * *

><p><strong>This one isn't as good as the last, but it will surely break your heart in two. –A<strong>

I opened the attachment in the middle of the hallway, expecting another picture of Ezra and myself in his apartment, which was the norm for A these days. But when I looked down, I saw the love of my life, entangled in the sheets with Simone. The howl that ripped from my throat hurt, and it sounded like I was dying and I guess in a way that I was. My knees buckled and I fell to the ground, clutching the phone to my chest like it was the only reason I was alive. I didn't know I could feel this much pain, and in all my life I never want to feel it again. Two arms snaked around my form and hugged me to them gently. I smelled Chanel No. 5. I leaned into Spencer and opened my eyes to Hanna gently prying the phone out of my hands. She quickly showed the others the picture who all hissed as another scream erupted from me.

My life was over. Officially.

I saw the black converses he bought a few weeks ago before he spoke. "Aria?" he said my name softly, like a whisper caressing my ears. I looked up at him, tears running down my cheeks, mascara staining black streaks through my foundation. He kneeled down in front of me and looked me in the eye. I hissed once he touched my shoulder as if he burned me. "Are you okay?"

I glared at him, did I look like I was okay? Did I look like I was picture perfect. "No, I'm not okay. And you damn well know it." I said. Spencer and Hanna helped me up while Emily grabbed my things, walking me to the exit.

"I need a coffee." I muttered. "With Jack in it." Hanna nodded, fishing around in her purse. My girls, they sure knew how to take care of me.

* * *

><p>I put my phone on silent, the only people I wanted to talk to were in this room right now. I didn't need Ezra calling and trying to talk to me. I didn't need Ella calling and trying to get me to talk to her. I didn't need anybody but the three girls surrounding me right now and the bottle of alcohol that was clutched in my lap. I glanced around me, saw their smiles, and their carefree expressions.<p>

"That was his apartment. She was my friend. They slept together." I stood on two shaky legs and pointed at Emily, who hadn't had but a sip of the alcohol. "Drive me to Old Hollis please. I need to say something to Mr. Cheating Bastard." She looked ready to object until Spencer stood up and slipped on her Uggs.

"Onward." I led them out of Spencer's room and down the stairs, holding the bottle of Jack Daniels by the neck, taking swigs with each ten steps that I took.

* * *

><p>3B. That's what it said on the door, the door to the apartment I loved, the apartment where we made love, the apartment where he fucked her. I rapped on the door with the butt of my bottle several times. He opened the door, shirtless, and I couldn't help but stare at him. Bringing the bottle to my lips again, I drained the rest of the liquid and dropped the glass on the floor. It shattered. Props were a good thing for what I was about to say.<p>

"That , on the floor, is my heart. Was she worth it? Was she better than me? Did you even love me at all?" He tried speaking to me, but I talked louder. "I gave myself to you. I loved you. I still love you! You didn't fight for me when my parents pulled us apart last month, you hung your head in shame and left, and ignored me ever since. You changed your phone number, but I know where you live. And Emily, good Emily, drove me here to say this to you. Ezra Fitz, you broke my heart, but I still love you. Do you hear me, I still love you." I nodded and pushed past him into his apartment and toward the cabinet where he kept the scotch. I grabbed the bottle that was opened and walked back out.

"We needed a refill. See you tomorrow." I slammed the door behind me.

* * *

><p>I tried my hardest to not look at him, to walk right past him without smelling his cologne. But try as I might, I gravitated towards him. I didn't have enough strength to tell him that I had spent the last hour throwing up in the bathroom, or for the week before this I had done the same thing three hours a day. I handed him my late slip and without a word or a glance, slipped into my seat and penned a note to Spencer .<p>

_Positive._

She groaned and looked at me before passing it to Emily, who sat in front of her. Emily, sent the text to Hanna. She turned around and looked at me, sadness etched on her face. She raised her hand and waited to be called on to speak.

"Mr. Fitz, I have a hypothetical question about The Scarlet Letter." He nodded and she continued. "What is she had gotten pregnant? Would he have stayed with her to take care of his illegitimate child? What if his wife was pregnant? What would you do in a situation like that?" His eyes went wide. I wish I could have stayed to hear his answer, but I had bolted from the room with my hand clamped over my mouth.

* * *

><p>I find myself sitting on the cold rim of the white claw foot bathtub in Ezra's bathroom later that evening. He had come by my house after school, and asked me directly to come to his apartment at six and take a test. I couldn't bring myself to move from the spot, even though he was on the other side of the door, begging me to come out. My eyes were glued to the stick in my hand, the one that told me my future. The one that I hoped would forever include one Ezra Harrison Fitz.<p>

I dug around in my bag for an elastic to tie my hair up with, and after removing my jewelry and washing off all of the tear streaked makeup I walked over to the small dresser that he had in the corner. It took me fifteen minutes to shower and ten more to dry off and change into his old Hollis College Track and Field t-shirt. I stood at the sink one last time and looked down at the stick, hoping and praying that the sign had changed, but knowing in my heart that it hadn't.

Gripping it tightly in my left hand, I open the door and push past Ezra to go sit on his bed. I tuck my legs under me and reach for Pigtunia, who has been stationed on his bed since my first night here. I can't even bring myself to look at him. I just sigh and place the test on the bed in-between us. He hisses lowly as he reaches out to pick it up. We don't exchange words and when I finally get the courage to look up at him, he's looking at me like he's never seen something like me before. That look on his face was all it took for me to break out into a fresh bout of tears.

Somewhere in-between the sobbing and the hiccups he managed to get me to lie on the bed with my back to his stomach. Once I calmed down enough I could feel his hand, rubbing small circles on my stomach, and whispering repeated shh's into my ear. In his arms, knowing that he accepted me fetus and all, was all I needed to fall asleep.

* * *

><p>I knew down the line that I would need to tell my parents, what seventeen year old wouldn't have to? It broke my heart to bring home boxes and already start packing my stuff for what I knew would be coming. Ella came home around 3:30 each day. She found me sitting on my bed which was devoid of any bed sheets, the walls were bare, and my dressers were empty.<p>

"Going somewhere?" she asked as she crossed the threshold. I nodded my head.

"I will be once you hear what I have to tell you." I whispered. She took another tentative step forward. "Spencer and Toby are coming to get my things; I'll be staying with the boyfriend who has the nice eyes Mom." She looked at me curiously, before sinking onto the other half of my bed. I turned my body and looked at her.

"Please know that I didn't do this on purpose, that I was sure I was always safe and that some things aren't fool proof I guess. I have two big secrets to tell you, both of them you are not going to like. One, I am back together with Ezra Harrison Fitz, and mom before you say anything please let me get the next part out. Two, I am pregnant with his child." I let out a huge breath and looked at her. Her expression was calm to say the least.

"I know sweetie. Mom's know everything remember? "She moved a strand of hair back to the bobby pin securing my bangs out of the way. "You are making a very adult move, and I'm guessing since you are leaving that you are keeping the baby, I'm not happy and your father won't be either. But you are accepting responsibility. I am proud of you." I nodded. Stood on the three inch heels that I borrowed from Hanna, and wrapped myself around my mother.

"Thank you, for raising me. I know that I can do this."

* * *

><p>There comes a time in life when you have to realize that it takes a lot more than turning eighteen to be an adult. The day Lily Fitz was born was the happiest in my life. I just wish others around me were happy that she was alive as well. My father was angry to say the least. And Simone was jealous. I got what I deserved, and it was a man that loved me for who I was, and who he knew I could be.<p>

I wish I could say that I learned my lesson and that I hadn't made any more mistakes, but I'm a teenage mother, a cliché in every way. I married my English Teacher, and yes we did get the two story house with the dog and the white picket fence. Not to mention the pool.

I worked, went to college, and raised my child. There's not a damn person that could tell me that I didn't deserve everything I got in life. I still stand by the vows I said on my wedding day, and they are painted onto the wall above our marriage bed.

"_If in another life I could look back and see you standing there—then I wouldn't dare change a single decision I ever made. I love you."_

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I do not own PLL. I own the baby though, cute little Lily. This is my first PLL fiction, I normally stay in the realm of Harry Potter, but I decided to branch out. This originally was supposed to be a Hermione/Draco story, but when I read it I adapted it to this, the pregnancy thing was another story I was writing of Ezria. I'm not very reliable when it comes to updates, so a chapter story was out of the question. **

**I wish the ending was better, but for some reason I couldn't get the words to come out right. I guess they never do. If you want to review, I won't stop you. But I would like some feedback. Negative or positive. Lol. **


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